When I was pregnant with each of my children I imagined, as many of us do, what they would be like when they were born and what kind of person they would become as they grew. However, I also recognized the dangers that my preconceived notions might have on my children. I sought to avoid the pressures that society would place on my children to behave in a traditional feminine or masculine way simply because they were born a girl or a boy.
I wanted each of my children to be exposed to a variety of experiences through play and home life so that they could be free to step outside of those roles. Experiences which are typically thought of as being for "boys" tend to focus on math, science, spacial awareness, competition, self reliance and physical strength. Why would I deny that to my girls? Experiences which are typically thought of as being for "girls" tend to focus on nurturing, home rhythms, creativity, and life arts. Why would I deny this to my son? Therefore it was my goal to practice with all of my children what some call Gender Neutral Parenting.
That being said, as my firstborn daughter grew she began naturally to lean to more traditionally "girly" things. She loved pink. She loved dolls. She loved playing in her toy kitchen. The dump trucks and footballs laid untouched at the bottom of her closet. And that was fine. That was who she wanted to be and I was proud of her. My goal was not to squash these things. That would be limiting in another way.
When my second daughter was born she was given the same variety of experiences as her sister. She however had no interest in the dolls or kitchen. She wanted to do concrete things. She wanted to build and to create real and tangible and useful things. She had no patience for imaginary play.
She had her own style too. She preferred pants and t-shirts to dresses and she always wanted her hair cropped short, just bellow the ear. With each hair cut she asked to go shorter and shorter.
I knew that she was her own person with her own style, but it still came as quite a surprise to me when she announced one day that she wanted a mohawk. For all my big talk about raising a child in a completely gender neutral way, this threw me for a loop. I told her that I would have to think about it.
And I did.
She kept asking, and I kept putting her off, telling her that I needed more time to think.
I spoke with co-workers who said, "No, how could you consider letting her do something like that?"
I spoke with my grandmother who told me that it made her heart hurt.
Then I spoke with my husband.
He said, "A few years ago, my answer would have been 'NO', but you have taught me that our daughters need to have control over their bodies. You taught me that they need to be themselves and express themselves with out us forcing our ideals on them. So I say 'Go for it!' "
That night I got out the clippers.
I was afraid she would hate it.
I was afraid she would get teased at school.
I was afraid of being judged as an overly permissive parent.
But I gave my baby girl a mohawk.
My hands were shaking as I held the clippers, and that night I tossed and turned as I questioned my self on whether or not I had done the right thing. Then I remembered this quote from Jada Pinkett Smith when talking about her own daughter Willow. Willow, the daughter of Jada and Will Smith has always sported some pretty great do's, but when she shaved her head the public was shocked. Jada Pinkett Smith replied to this on her Facebook page...
“This subject is old but I have never answered it in its entirety. And
even with this post it will remain incomplete. The question why I would
LET Willow cut her hair. First the LET must be challenged. This is a
world where women, girls are constantly reminded that they don’t belong
to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power or
self determination. I made a promise to endow my little girl with the
power to always know that her body, spirit and her mind are HER domain.
Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not
measured by the length of her hair. It’s also a statement that claims
that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not
be a slave to even their mother’s deepest insecurities, hopes and
desires. Even little girls should not be a slave to the preconceived
ideas of what a culture believes a little girl should be.”
Birdie has had her mohawk for about three weeks. For the first week she wore it spiked up every day, but the work involved got old pretty quick. Now she only wears it up one or two days a week. She still loves it. She has no regrets. She has gotten some funny looks and even some rude comments but she brushes them off. I am so proud of her confidence. And I am glad that I didn't stand in her way.
